Let Me See You Shake Your Tail Feather

Friday night I did something I've never done before. It's something millions of people do every day and don't think twice about, but for me it was a really big deal. It was my work Christmas do (or rather one of my work Christmas do's), and I wore a strapless top. That's it. That's the major thing I did for the first time in my life. I wouldn't have done it a year ago, or even six months ago. I'd have felt far too self conscious and insecure to even consider it. Getting my five stone award at Slimming World has made so much difference though. I am beginning to feel freer, to feel younger, and most importantly to feel happier. I've still got a really long way to go, but I feel like it's achievable now. I'm feeling the benefits so much already, that now I'm not scared of looking to my target. It doesn't feel so huge or unobtainable any more. It feels exciting and rewarding. I don't think I'm becoming a different person, I think I'm rediscovering the person inside. The girl who can wear a strapless top and heels and hold her head up high, dance and laugh like nothing in the world can touch me. It's a magic place to be, and one that will continue to get brighter and happier as I continue this journey of weight loss and healing.

I say weight loss and healing, because that's what I'm doing, I'm healing myself. For the first time in my life I realised and accepted this year that I've got/had (?) an eating disorder. Wow, that's the first time I've ever typed those words in relation to myself. Big deep breath.... That's pretty exhilarating actually. Knowing I've got to a place where not only can I say it to myself, but I can write it for the world to see. And each time I say it to someone, or hold onto it when I'm in a bad place, that eating disorder gets smaller and less powerful. That massive snake with its hypnotising eyes is losing it's hold on me.

I'm getting me back, and I love it. Watch out world, I'm on my way back!

I Close My Eyes, And This Is Yesterday

In the middle of another bout of insomnia last weekend I decided to flick through my old diaries. I kept diaries on and off throughout my childhood for a couple of months at a time. But since I was around sixteen I've pretty much consistently kept a diary, although I've been very lax at writing in it for the last couple of years. Maybe that's something to do with my ability to handle depression and things better than before. I don't know. In some parts it was like I was reading something I could have written a month ago, other times it was like reading the thoughts of a stranger.
I don't just have written entries in my diaries, they also contain tickets to things, odd photo's, poems, emails, lists of favourite things. I found a poem that someone who meant a huge amount to me in college wrote. It made me get back in touch with him which has been lovely. He's as funny and charming as I remember him to be, with a little tinge of something else, maybe it's experience or heartbreak - I'm not entirely sure yet.
Rightly or wrongly I am generally very emotion led. I always have been. I feel things and react without thinking them through. I hadn't realised until looking back through my diaries just how emotion led I was as a teenager. Although I still react on emotions, I have learnt to be a bit more rational about things. I guess I've managed to stop bouncing off the walls quite so very much!
One entry that brought tears to my eyes was after my 21st birthday. I was recounting a conversation I had with G that night. He said to me that he loved me and that I could always rely on him no matter where he was or what he was doing because I'd always be important in his life. I was in tears for the girl who wrote that entry. For the girl that believed those magical words and was let down by him. If I could say one thing to him today for that girl, I would thank him bizarrely enough. I'd thank him for giving me hope and faith, and helping me feel like I wouldn't walk the path of my life alone.

We Live In A House Of Cards....

Those are the opening words to one of the bleakest and most beautiful songs I've heard in a while. Those are the words written by a friend, a friend who has had the guts to carve his own path in life. He's not settling for second best, he's not prepared to wait around and see what happens. Instead he's living an honest life - honest and true to the person he is and wants to be, and is writing some very intelligent and touching songs as a result.
Sure, they're not songs that are necessarily everyone's taste. But then, what music is? If asked what kind of music I enjoy the most, my answer is most things in a rock/metal/punk vein. I can't explain why those are the genres that appeal to me, it's like asking a blind man to describe the world he sees through touch - there are no words, it's a feeling, a reaction inside. So although I have heard Adam play many times before, the feeling and reaction inside I got last night from him playing was unexpected. I expected to enjoy it, he's good at what he does so why would I not enjoy it? But I didn't expect to be affected by it. His hauntingly beautiful voice was all encompassing, people were stopping conversations to listen to him. Strangers with no loyalty or desire to encourage were listening and enjoying what they were hearing.
Adams set included a cover of Johnny Cash and of the mighty Radiohead. It was a brave choice to mix his own compositions in with two of the most famous and most unique songwriters of all time. His songs held there own though, they were by no means carbon copies of Radiohead or Cash (although to be fair, if you were going to plagiarise, then who better to pick?!), rather you could tell Adam has an understanding of the make-up of their music and has learnt from that for his own song writing.
So did I go and see him play because he's my friend? Yes, of course. Will I go and see him play again? Yes, because I've not been able to get Asunder out of my head all day and I want to hear more.

Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody, Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up

Sometimes when the light is right I can see so many scars running along my arm. Many more than I assume can be seen by the glance of a stranger. Some of them merge into each other and others standing clear. And sometimes the desire to add to them is unbearable.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

I generally think I'm a pretty good judge of character. True, I do look for the good in people and will give them the benefit of the doubt beyond when others will have given up on them. But that doesn't make me a naive person; I like to think I'm generally pretty aware of when people are using me and when they're genuine with me. Tonight though I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if it's selfishness, or cluelessness, or that they just don't care that much. If I've been used here, then... well I was going to put I hope karma gives them their just deserts, but the part of me that can't believe they were using me doesn't want anything bad to happen to them. I guess I hope that if they have used me, that they will stop doing so now, before I get more hurt.

Reasons To Be Cheerful

I figured since I can't sleep I'd put my time to good use and write a blog entry. It was this, or do more internet shopping, and given how much I ordered yesterday that wasn't really an option!
So the reason to be cheerful refers to me by proxy really. I've got a new job being a paid youth worker at No Limits where I currently volunteer. It's the job I've dreampt of since I started volunteering there 4 1/2 years ago, and one I've been turned down for twice before now. A question I get asked over and over from people when I tell them about my new job is "How can you work there? Don't you get sad?". The answer to that question is yes, of course sometimes I get sad, I'd be worried if I didn't. But one comment that was made to me this week sums up perfectly the feeling of why I love this job, why it makes me cheerful.... one young person (who wouldn't mind me saying there have been days when I've begun preparing myself for the idea of attending his funeral) said "Look, I found a white scar today, my first one". That may sound insignificant, or something to not get excited about to some people. But for me, it's one of the best things I could have heard. To see how far he's come in the last twelve months is amazing, he's overcome so much I couldn't begin to find the words to explain it properly.
His words are my answer. His words are my reason to be cheerful, that he's healing physically and emotionally. That is why I love my new job before I've even begun it!

Guilty Feet Have Got No Rhythm

I'm not too sure at what point it is you go from being fan to psycho stalker freak.... but yes, I am blogging once again about Southampton's finest - Jet Heeled Striker. Starting on a negative point, lads you did have us waiting some time for this gig; on a positive though, God it was worth waiting for!
It was the second time they've headlined now, and watching the number of people enter (and stay) in the Joiners last night was good to see. It was great to stand back and see how many people were there and really enjoying the music. Not just their fans, but also people who had come for the subliminal Seventh Seed who then stuck around and gave JHS a chance.
I know Chris was struggling with his throat, and talking afterwards...well I say 'talking' but I think 'croaking' is a far better description... he was clearly in some pain. It really didn't seem to affect him on stage though, his performance was as dynamic and honest as ever.
That's a description that I would use happily for the whole band though. I don't profess to know them all, so it's only a generalisation based on observation and those members that I do know; but they play and sing like they're doing it for themselves as much as for anyone else. There's no act going on, the music comes from within in a way that's exhilarating and infectious. The smiles, laughter and movements that were taking place on stage were clearly because that's where they're happy, where they feel uninhibited and confident. And that's exactly how they should be, because the music they make is something they should be proud, happy and confident of.
They tried out something new tonight, having Adam play an acoustic number in the middle of the set. I've heard him play the song before and fell in love with it then, and on stage he played it even more beautifully. It was a brave thing for them to do, but it didn't upset the balance of the gig. Loved it.
There were a couple of new songs being showcased last night which went down very well. I've said before that their songs are all individual and distinctive whilst at the same time sounding like them. Their songs are clever, they're not these ten-a-penny American punk songs that after a while become slightly indistinctive. Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of American punk, I'm a fan of pretty much any punk, but there is a general misconception that it can be mastered by any group of spotty fifteen year olds with a couple of guitars. It can't. You can tell listening to JHS that there is a lot going on in their songs, the more times you hear them, the more you hear in them. There is a subtle complexity to them that is clever. There's a very small line between being too complex and therefore pretty inaccessible, and being too simple and therefore nothing to keep you hooked. JHS have mastered that in their songwriting, both lyrically and musically. It shows their intelligence and their knowledge in all aspects of music.
Yes, their fans had to wait since July to see them, but when the music is that good, it's forgivable. Same with the album. If speeding it up would jeopardize the standard and quality of the songs, then take your time guys. I know it will be worth the wait.
On a personal comment, Ali and Becky, congratulations - you got me 'dancing' sober for the first time since I was about seven. I honestly don't know whether to love you or hate you!